her

we pull up and i see the car that makes me want to turn around and go back were i came from

shes so small, she is what I'm not.

so ridiculous she walks around in her underwear

I'm sorry I'm not that pretty

she puts me to shame

this is why i hate me...

insecurity.

the letter he wrote

he wrote her a letter...

describing the indefinite love he has for her, and then went on to say he cannot do this to his kids and wife. it was nothing for him when he came in and tore apart our family. the fact that his kids wont bear the humiliation and devastation that we faced was great. but once again we go in and come out as the underdogs. its amazing what two people in "love" can do to a family. they can make it or break it. I'm sick of being caught in between. i am ripped back and forth between stacked lies. he begged her to stay when life for us was looking up. but its all on his watch. his feelings his guilt. i try to be there for her but i have no example to follow.

no one was there for me. when i was torn between fathers i had nothing but a pillow to cry on. so how do i help someone when Ive never been close enough to them to understand. maybe we'll never understand each other.

blind for words

lost in silence

blind for words

i struggle to get back to my feet

i have stumbled so long before you.

and now that i know you

I'm afraid to be close.

tired from "what if" thoughts exhausting my mind.

i crawl in my skin

fearing to dismantle this new friendship acquired

I'm tired.

i feel like you could help me,

but I'm afraid once the lesson ends i suffer the consequences of the final test

"bad grade"

i failed to examine the former tragic heart break

and i fear to be a victim

I'm lost in silence blind for words

such silent enunciation .

your inner child

have you ever stared at a wall, and wondered if it could stare back,
or look out a window and wondered if the window was actually looking through you?
if they could what would they see?
an aray of sunshine, rainbows and beautiful colorful flowers..
or would it see a hell so deel the devil himself would shudder at the sight
black with flames and broken roads, burned down bridges, and no where to go.
walls that dont block a heart wrenching cry as the child inside you begins to die.
begs for a way out.
"i cant breath!"
says the child
"someone please, find me."
"i cant find a light"
you hear the poor child
but your stuck,
you cant help.
under all the debris, broken roads and burnt bridges
you cant save the child
you give up.
you tried.
walls fall and crumble
as your inner child dies.




let me explain this to you,
as you lie to someone, take a child for example. They are going to realize the more you lie to them, the more they can't confide in you. the people around you who love you, lie to you making it hard for those beautiful colors to shine through your personality, the lies go deep. they penetrate your innocence as you are brought to the harsh reality of life. your inner child dies, not because you grow old and you age, its because the reality of life takes its toll on you, it beats you until your innocence has no existance. be a kid. dont let your inner child die.

12-15-08 emotionless

i seem to have lost myself in an abyss of lifeless emotion. The kind that comes from deep within, and sways like the ocean. Starts at the very center of your soul, climb to the pits of your stomach and soon devours your heart and mind. I seem to have bargained myself for an overdose of guilt and hate. Somewhere in this process i was determined to grasp every emotion, every glimpse of happiness, that with each reach i slipped off the edge more and more, until i was heading downward there was no way out from a fall. How do you fly when you have no wings? How do you begin to pick up your own pieces when your hands are tied behind your back. your eyes have been shut out to the world... i seemed to have lost myself to a dark emotion. a state where i could no longer breathe, see, or feel confusion consumes me, depression fills me. tighter and tighter. they wont let go.

why somedays i hate me so bad i could die.

why sometimes i hate me.
sometimes.
its super hard to wake up everyday knowing there is a girl out there that is drop-dead gorgeous. Gorgeous, beautiful, intelligent, and has got a perfect life and personality. Her clothes fit perfect her hair is just right, she has no care in the world about what any other girl thinks of her. She knows at any time she would kill you in looks, she is that beautiful. its hard to admit shes perfect, while i look like i need plastic surgery. call me jealous. I'm fat, I'm Tongan, I've got nappy hair, stretch marks and a sometimes annoying personality. My feet are huge and my thighs have cellulite. My skin is gross, i have acne, this is how i perceive myself. Why didn't i get blessed with her fortunate genes? i hate myself and i have no self esteem. i used to think i was beautiful, graceful when i danced. OH! yet lives great mishaps lead me to believe I'm no one. Not beautiful, not special and no were near important. Every man I've known has "done me wrong" so to speak. Step fathers to boyfriends. Men treat you wrong and then wonder why you are the way you are. Hello asshole, you've degraded me, pushed me aside, told me i was nothing, made me feel like i was nothing. When you told me i was beautiful, you went behind my back to cheat on me. Your such a little man. You men contribute to some of the reason i hate myself some days, congratulations. Yet i will forgive, but as the saying goes, "i wont forget." It's hard because, my once great persona has been tainted with selfconciousness, guilt, humility, jealousy, desperation to be someone I'm not. Someone that everyone envies. well fuck you feelings you can get me down! Because at the end of my ridiculous ranting and rambling pays of. I realize that, that girl who is so much better than be couldn't have possibly been through all i have and still get up everyday and live my life like I do. She has a shitty life just like me. Her clothes just make her seem like she's has no problems, but i"ll bet u behind closed doors she hates herself just like me some days. Don't admit it if you don't want to. Everyone hates themselves some days and today's my day. roxanne, you dont have to put on that red light.